joe and bill and marcy

by nick nelson

joe bink and bill frup were best friends. joe was a complete asshole. bill was a great guy. people wondered why they were friends. if someone asked joe why bill was his friend, instead of giving his usual sarcastic asshole answer, he would look at the ground and mumble, well, that’s hard to say. and if someone asked bill why joe was his friend, instead of looking the questioner in the eye and answering in his usual straight-shooting way, he would look off into space and say, you know, that’s a good question. joe and bill fell in love with the same girl. her name was marcy smith and she worked at the convenience store attached to the gas station. marcy did not return the interest of either joe or bill. people, including her best friend shirley lemay, asked her why. because they are a couple of assholes, marcy would reply. but bill is a great guy, they would say. no, he is just as much of an asshole as joe, marcy insisted. and then people would think about it and say, you know, you are right, bill is just as much of an asshole as joe. after that people stopped paying much attention to either joe or bill. but they remained good friends and went to the movies together and played pinball at larry’s out on route ten. sometimes they could be seen at softball games, sitting together apart from the crowd, and sharing a quart bottle of beer. and they watched television together in joe’s lonely room and played tonk and casino and cribbage with the old cribbage board bill’s father had given him for his ninth birthday.

parker and esther

by nick nelson

parker wilson johnson was the center of the universe. everybody in the world either loved or hated him. when and if he died and was completely forgotten, the universe would perish with him. he knew this. one day he was seated at the counter of a small diner across the street from a busy bus terminal, working on his favorite meal of scrambled eggs, sausages, and hash browns, with lots of ketchup. a young woman named esther morris came into the diner. she was wearing a nice clean white dress because she was planning to get married at city hall during her lunch hour, to ralph barber, a young man she had met at a dance a week before. the only unoccupied seat at the counter was the one to the right of parker wilson johnson, hunched over his plate of ketchup soaked food. esther morris did not care much for the sight of parker, but she wanted a cup of tea to calm her nerves, so she sat down on the empty stool. just as she did, parker decided he wanted a little more ketchup on his plate. the bottle of ketchup provided for him was almost empty, and when it did not provide the amount he desired, he gave the bottom of it a good whack. the bottle happened to be pointed in esther’s direction, and a large blob of thick ketchup was ejected from it and landed on esther’s clean white dress. harsh words were exchanged. parker was a regular customer and esther was not , so earl, the counterman, took parker’s side a bit more than a strictly objective attitude might have warranted. in the end, no blows were exchanged, and no authorities summoned. parker has passed away. esther remembers the incident very well. she is the now only living person who remembers parker, or anything he ever said or did.

jub and jug

by nick nelson

once upon a time there lived a peasant named jub. he grew up in a valley filled with apple trees, owned by a great lord named jarg. jub was expected to live the life of his ancestors, pruning apple trees, picking apples, and digging ditches to irrigate the apple trees. but he decided he did not wish to spend his life in this manner, so he said goodbye to his kinfolk and took to the king’s highway to seek his fortune in the great world. jub walked down the highway with a song in his heart under a blue sky filled with fleecy white clouds and happily singing birds. but he did not go more than a few miles before he was captured by a gang of bandits who took him prisoner and sold him as a slave to another great lord, named jarl. jarl owned coal and diamond mines, and a great forest of walnut trees. jub would spend the rest of life digging in jarl’s coal mines nine months of the year, and digging ditches to irrigate jarl’s walnut trees the other three months. jub had a younger brother named jug, who, in his turn, decided to take to the highway. jug quickly encountered the same group of bandits who had captured jub. but as jug was a strong strapping youth and they liked his looks, the bandits invited jug to join them. jug spent the remainder of his days with the bandits, murdering and robbing and capturing unwary travelers and selling them to great lords like jarg and jarl. the lord jarl fell in love with a beautiful maiden named jacinta. he loved her dearly. but one day the gods decided to take jacinta from him, and she fell sick and died. jarl knew that he must have offended the gods, and he was stricken with remorse and decided to make a great sacrifice. he had his soldiers round up a hundred bandits and crucified them. jug was one of the bandits. and then jarl had a great bonfire prepared and cast three hundred slaves into it, including jub. all this happened many years ago. the coal mines, the diamond mines, and the apple trees are all gone, but a few of the walnut trees remain by the side of the highway, under the blue sky, filled with fleecy white clouds and happily singing birds.

existence

by nick nelson

edward evans did not get much mail, not even junk mail. but one day he received a letter with the return address of “department of existence.” he opened it. it contained a single sheet of neatly folded paper, with the letterhead of the department of existence, and a return envelope marked “postage will be paid by recipient.” the single sheet read: please justify your existence in twenty-five words or less. and added in bolder type: failure to comply will result in consequences. below that were several blank lined spaces for the twenty-five words or less. edward wrote: i don’t cause any trouble. i try not to get in anybody’s way. i like all persons. he added them up and there were seventeen words. so he added: thank you very much. have a nice day. that made twenty-four words, so he had one to spare. he went to the post office and handed the letter to a clerk. * what did you think of edward’s response? on a scale of zero (hopeless) to ten (perfect) how would you rate it? do you think you could have done better?

cold case

by nick nelson

a and b did something. a asked b, did you enjoy it? no, b replied, i did not enjoy it at all. do you want to go home? yes, please, call me a taxi. a called a taxi. they waited for the taxi. it was raining outside. the taxi arrived, and a watched through the window as it took b away. they never saw each other again. years later c, a retired detective, looked into the cold case. he was sure he knew what a and b had done. but he was never able to prove it.

the first step

by nick nelson

joey took the test on tuesday. it was his next to last chance. if he did not pass this time, he would only have one more, in another six months. the notification came in the mail on thursday. he tore open the envelope with trembling hands. he read the enclosed note - and with a shout of joy ran up the stairs. mom, mom! i passed! i passed! mom came out on to the landing to meet him and gave him a big hug. oh joey, that is so wonferful! old macgregor, in the room next door, could be heard growling, keep the noise down, will you? or at least keep your damn door closed! but joey and mom did not hear him and went inside. let me read it, mom said to joey. joey gave mom the slip of paper that notified him he had been accepted into the human race and would begin his new life the next monday. oh joey, this is so wonderful! but i always knew you could do it. joey laughed. now, let’s not carried away. i am only going to be a crew member in a mcdonalds in islamabad. oh, but it’s a start! it’s just a first step. yes, but you are a human now! pretty soon you will conquer the world, i just know you will. and after that - maybe emperor of the universe! we’ll see, joey smiled. for now, let’s just appreciate this moment. yes, let’s. you know, i didn’t say anything, but i bought a little cake to celebrate, because i just knew you would be accepted. joey smiled even wider. well then, let’s have it. you are the best son a mom ever had, joey. and you are the greatest mom a guy ever had.

too bad

by nick nelson

bob woke up. he got dressed and went downstairs. joe was drinking a cup of coffee and eating a donut. are they gone? bob asked. yes, they left about an hour ago. too bad it didn’t work out. yes, it is. when bob did not respond, joe asked, want some coffee? no thanks, i think i will just get going. so long. bob went outside. the sun was shining. he walked down the street.