thomas and samantha

by horace p sternwall

thomas and samantha lived for many years in the house left to them by their parents, attended by a painfully small number of servants. they were both creatures of routine. every morning samantha would come down to breakfast before thomas, and when thomas finally arrived, she would say to him, “good morning, thomas. if you have nothing to say, please do not say anything.” and thomas would nod, pick up his coffee cup and his copy of the times, and say nothing. then one day, shortly after a war had ended, samantha made her usual statement, and thomas responded, “yes, i have something to say.” “oh? and what is it that you have to say, thomas?” “that you would look nicer if you smiled.” “really? well, thank you so much for that astute observation.” and they both resumed their breakfast. thomas never again broke his silence at the table. after a number of years samantha died of pneumonia during a bitter winter, and thomas followed her in the spring, of a heart attack which he had never attempted to forestall through healthy living. they were both buried in the garden they had loved so well, though thomas had perhaps loved it a bit more than samantha.

two humans

two humans, not previously acquainted with each other, were walking down a street from opposite directions, about to cross paths. one of them, charles darwin, was feeling pretty good about life. he had a new hat on, and a new pair of shoes, and he thought he was looking pretty good. when the other human, george meredith, saw charles darwin coming towards him he burst into laughter. “that is the most ridiculous hat i have ever seen!” george exclaimed. “and the shoes are even worse! ha ha ha !” charles was stunned by this unprovoked assault on his persona and his existence, but recovered enough to try to assert his dignity by replying. “is that all, sir? are you quite through?” to which the laughing george responded as he passed charles , “no, brother, it is not all. you’re fat! ha ha ha!” but george was not finished. when he was thirty feet past charles, he turned and cried, “and you’re ugly! and for god’s sake lose that beard!” charles walked on, stunned. he felt a ringing in his ears, and the world seemed to dissolve around him, but he managed to get back to his lonely room. charles never recovered. he had trouble getting out of bed in the morning, and after being late for work several times, was fired from his job as a security guard. he became a drunkard and a porn addict. the drunkenness caused him to have bladder problems, and he was several times arrested for public indecency for relieving himself in situations in which he was too drunk to realize he was not alone. eventually charles’s body was found washed up by the bay. it was not known whether he had jumped or fallen off the bridge, or if he had drunkenly decided to go for a midnight swim. after his encounter with charles, george continued on his way, and met his friends rene descartes and thomas hobbes at a trendy cafe. they had a great time, and george never gave charles another thought in his life. his friend thomas hobbes got george a job at a non-profit organization which specialized in providing musical and artistic training for third world and other disadvantaged children. george was a natural administrator, and he flourished in the job, eventually rising to the position of chief financial officer.