something different

by nick nelson

so, what are we going to do tonight? i thought we’d do the usual, fuck with some guys, fuck some broads. maybe fuck somebody up good. i thought maybe we could do something a little different. like what? i thought maybe we could go the opera, or the symphony, something like that. very funny, vinnie. that’s really funny. no, i’m serious. hear mr out. it’s about diversification. diversity! are you shitting me? don’t say that word around me. not diversity, diversification. it’s a different thing. this is the modern age, right, the twenty-first century? i guess. i was reading this book and it says to survive in the modern age you can’t just be one thing, or the same thing all the time. because then you become predictable and everybody that’s chasing you can catch you from behind and drag you down. so who’s chasing us? everybody! that’s the point, the whole modern world is chasing you faster and faster every day. so what would you suggest? listen. first off, we can’t be vinnie and tony and joey all the time. we should be jeffrey and dylan and adam some of the time, or really go for it and be chester and lance and derek. i don’t know. come on, let’s give it a try. it won’t hurt to give it a try. * later that night. chester and lance and derek arrive at the symphony. the first thing they see, standing outside. the entrance, are three women. not the youngest women, or the thinnest women, but women. and they look like they are waiting for something. they are not actually wearing mink coats or wearing buckets of diamonds, or holding lorgnettes. but to chester and lance and derek they look like they are. good evening, ladies, chester addresses them. good evening to you, one of the ladies answers him. i’m chester, and these are my friends lance and derek. i am cynthia wallford-thornton, and this is my cousin alicia cosgrove-benson, and this is the countess of denworth, here on a visit. we are pleased to meet you. are you gentlemen fond of charles ives? you must be , if you are here tonight. charles is o k, but do you know what we really like? no, what? we like to have a good time. why, so do we! you know, i have a feeling old charles might not be on his game tonight. that could very well be. and in any case, we have experienced hm so many times before. i think we are moving in the same direction here. indeed. there is a cab over there , why don’t you see if he is engaged.? i will do that. do you think we can all squeeze in to it? why not? it sounds like a good way to start having a good time. the cab was a large one, and it took off with the three gentlemen sitting on the laps of the three ladies. chester thought the driver looked familiar. it was jerry the squid, from bayonne! but if jerry recognized chester and derek and lance he did not say so. jerry guided the cab expertly through the heavy traffic, heading uptown. a light rain began to fall.

tricks

by nick nelson

“i am sorry to have discovered your true nature, philip, but at least i have the satisfaction , such as it is, of discovering it in time to prevent a complete disaster for myself and my distinguished lineage. i hope you will not make things difficult by any pathetic attempt to excuse yourself.” “no, jessica, i know when the game is up. i bid you farewell, and will not trouble you, or your solicitors, again.” “thank you. if you will, please leave by the french window behind you. i would not have you being seen by any of the guests, who might ask awkward questions. when you have crossed the lawn and passed the gazebo, you will find a path which will lead you to the king’s highway, and from there you can walk to the town, or across the moors, whichever you prefer.” philip bowed, and left by the french window, as instructed. it was a calm night, with a full moon. philip walked across the lawn, which did not seem quite so broad as he remembered it, and quickly came to the highway. what now? he had staked everything on marrying jessica and her fortune, and had lost. all his old pals would either have forgotten him, or felt that he had betrayed them. he had not gone ten yards down the road before he came to a tree. the tree had a single long limb about twenty feet from the ground and the limb had a rope wth an expertly knotted noose hanging from it. the noose was about ten feet from the ground. a footstool had been thoughtfully placed under the noose. all this was clearly visible in the bright moonlight. philip considered the tree, the rope, the noose, the footstool, and the moon. just then he saw a light on the moor. it seemed to be from a small fire. philip dedided to approach the fire, and struck across the moor. he found what was indeed a small fire, with a whitehaired tramp, with a small pipe in his mouth, seated in front of it. a battered knapsack lat at his feet. a little dog was seated beside the tramp. it gave a perfunctory little bark at philip, but dd not move. “does that dog do tricks?” philip asked the tramp. “it will do such tricks as it can be taught,” the tramp replied, without taking the pipe from his mouth. “how much do you want for him?” philip asked. “five shillings.” philip happened to have ten shillings in his pocket. he handed five of them to the tramp, and the dog, who seemed to understand what was being transacted, got up and followed philip back to the road. if philip had looked back, which he did not, he would have seen that the tramp had been transformed into a beautiful darkhaired young woman, wearing a red ballroom dress with puffed sleeves. as the philip and the dog reached the highway, the young woman took a small ebony-backed hand mirror out of the knapsack. philip and the dog headed to the town. “what is your name?” philip asked the dog. “a dog who can do good tricks needs a good name.” * jessica married lord f________, and they lived together for forty years, without scandal or incident.

the stranger

by nick nelson

he got off the train at midnight. the station was deserted - completely deserted. the ticket window was closed, and so was the tiny news and candy stand. and where was the man with the brown briefcase? the sign above the station was weatherbeaten and hard to read. he squinted up at it in the darkness. the first letter was clearly a “w”. wilsonville! and he was supposed to have gotten off at thomasville, where he was to meet the man with the brown briefcase! oh no! he had failed again. it was the story of his life - he was a stranger on this earth. it had begun on his first day of school, when his stepfather had dropped him off at the crossroad and told him to walk down the road to his right. he had walked for miles before a police car pulled over and asked him where he was going. the policeperson driving, a very nice lady, explained that the school was in the other direction. she turned around and drove him back to the school but of course he was not nearly on time. he had never forgotten the looks of headshaking contempt her partner, a heavy greyhaired man, had given him the whole ride back. and now here he was again. hopelessly, hopelessly late. he had no way he could try to contact the man with the brown briefcase as he had been told in no uncertain terms not to carry a phone with him as it could be used by the other side to track him. even if he could somehow find a phone, he had not been given a phone number for the man with the brown briefcase. he started walking down the tracks. a silvery moon shone down on him.

philip and daisy

by nick nelson

philip was looking out the window. his mom, gladys, was sitting on the sofa reading a three week old issue of good housekeeping magazine. what are you doing, philip? gladys asked. looking out the window, philip relied. why don’t you go for a walk? a walk to where? i do not like to go for walks unless i have an actual destination. why don’t you go over to daisy johnson’s house and ask her to marry you? she seems like a nice girl. all right, philip said. philip walked over to daisy johnson’s house. it was a nice day, not too hot or cold, and without a cloud in the sky. philip rang the bell at daisy’s and a minute later daisy came to the door. what do you want? she asked philip, in a no nonsense voice. will you marry me? philip asked. no, i don’t think so, she answered. and daisy closed the door in philip’s face. the weather on philip’s walk back to his own house was quite as pleasant as his walk to daisy’s had been. at least i got some exercise, philip thought. and i had a purpose in my walk, and did not just “go for a walk”, like some people. but the story did not end there. daisy reported philip’s visit to the authorities, and the next day philip was arrested for attempting to recruit daisy to a secret cell of conspirators plotting against the government. gladys was also arrested as an accomplice to philip’s crime. philip was sentenced to twenty years hard labor, and gladys, in consideration to her advanced age, to ten. gladys did not live to complete her sentence. when philip was in the seventeenth year of his sentence, he received a letter - the first he had received since the death of gladys nine years previously. he hoped it was from daisy johnson, saying that she was retracting the charges against him and was wiling to testify on his behalf at a retrial. but it was not. in fact the letter was not even intended for him, but for another prisoner with the same name as himself, and he had received it by mistake. considering that his identification number in no way resembled the other man’s, the mistake was inexcusable.

joe and bill and marcy

by nick nelson

joe bink and bill frup were best friends. joe was a complete asshole. bill was a great guy. people wondered why they were friends. if someone asked joe why bill was his friend, instead of giving his usual sarcastic asshole answer, he would look at the ground and mumble, well, that’s hard to say. and if someone asked bill why joe was his friend, instead of looking the questioner in the eye and answering in his usual straight-shooting way, he would look off into space and say, you know, that’s a good question. joe and bill fell in love with the same girl. her name was marcy smith and she worked at the convenience store attached to the gas station. marcy did not return the interest of either joe or bill. people, including her best friend shirley lemay, asked her why. because they are a couple of assholes, marcy would reply. but bill is a great guy, they would say. no, he is just as much of an asshole as joe, marcy insisted. and then people would think about it and say, you know, you are right, bill is just as much of an asshole as joe. after that people stopped paying much attention to either joe or bill. but they remained good friends and went to the movies together and played pinball at larry’s out on route ten. sometimes they could be seen at softball games, sitting together apart from the crowd, and sharing a quart bottle of beer. and they watched television together in joe’s lonely room and played tonk and casino and cribbage with the old cribbage board bill’s father had given him for his ninth birthday.