the sharpshooter

by nick nelson

johnny went to the fair. it was a nice night. the stars were out. a little old man was sitting on the ground at the entrance to the midway. he had a big hat pulled down over his face, and a jug between his feet. how’s it going, kid? the little old man asked johnny. great, johnny replied. try a hit of this. the little old man offered the jug to johnny. johnny did not hold liquor well, not like his old pappy and grandpappy, but to be polite he took a sip from the jug. it made his eyes water. thank you kindly, he told the old man and handed the jug back with a trembling hand. the old man looked familiar, johnny thought as he proceeded down the midway, stumbling a little bit. that was strong stuff, johnny thought, but, dang, i only just wet my lips. a couple of city slickers were standing in front of a cotton candy stand. one of them was wearing a sharp blue suit and the other was wearing a sharp brown suit. the one in the blue suit looked like a white man, and the one in the brown suit like some kind of dago or foreigner. say, kid, how would you like to make a couple of dollars, the man in the blue suit asked johnny. i might like it quite a bit, sir, johnny answered. it all depends. he called you sir, said the man in the brown suit. this is a polite young man. you a country boy? the man in the blue suit asked johnny. you look like a real country boy. i guess i am, sir, johnny replied. i ain’t never even been to town. you a hunter? the man in the brown suit asked. you know, go out in the woods and shoot rabbits and moose and such? i’ve hunted all my life, sir. i mean, since i was old enough to hold a rifle. that’s what we want to hear, said the man in the blue suit. you a good shot? the best, sir, johhny replied. i can shoot the feathers off a hummingbird at a hundred paces, and leave him still singing. if i see two squirrels sharing an acorn on the branch of a tree, i can hit the acorn between them without harming a hair on their bodies. well then, you sound like just the fellow for us, said the man in the blue suit. he pointed to a shooting gallery a little way down the midway, which was surrounded by a great crowd of country folk. you see, we are here to rob the bank in town, and what we need is a diversion. what is your name, by the way? johnny. what a coincidence. my name is john, too, john dillinger, and this here is mr al capone. as i was saying, we are here to rob the federal bank, and we need someone to create a fuss here. as city fellows we are used to using tommy guns and pistols, but not the kind of firearms used in the exhibitions of skill displayed in yonder booth. what we need is some plucky young gent such as yourself to put on such an exhibition of shooting that the attention of all far and wide is concentrated on it and we will have a clear path to robbing the bank. later we will meet up with you on the outskirts of town and cut you in for a generous share of the loot. how does that sound? better than a kick in the face from a bee-stung mule, johnny said. but, sir, how am i to get up to shoot? it looks from here that there is quite a crowd, probably with many fellows impatiently waiting their turn. do not worry about that, said al capone. for the man in the booth is our confederate, mr pretty boy floyd, and we will give him the high sign, and you will move to the head of the line past those other rubes. fair enough, johnny replied. he approached the shooting gallery, and it seemed that the crowd around it parted like the red sea, and he was standing in front of the gallery with the “rifle” - really just a toy - that pretty boy floyd handed to him with a wink. we will start off with an easy one, pretty boy floyd told the crowd and johnny. he pressed a switch and ten doves flew across the background of the gallery. should i shoot them all? johnny asked. all? the crowd roared with laughter. there is only one, kid, a number of people shouted. johnny tried to hit all ten doves but the “rifle” would only fire seven or eight rubber “bullets” and he did not hit any doves. the laughter got louder behind him. all right, kid, take a deep breath, pretty boy floyd told him. that was just beginner’s luck - bad luck. try these two rabbits. dozens of rabbits bounded across the background. johnny sprayed rubber bullets all over the gallery - and beside and over it, but did not hit any rabbits. he’s gonna kill somebody! somebody yelled behind him. run for your lives! but the general reaction was more and louder laughter. here, kid, let me have that, a voice beside johnny said. he turned and saw a blonde woman in a tight red dress, with a big red hat flopped down over her face. let me show you how it’s done, the lady in red said, and took the rifle from johnny. here we go, said pretty boy floyd. a bear and a bison shambled across the gallery and the lady in red plugged them both, to roars of laughter from the crowd. johnny did not wait around to see any more. he pushed his way back through the hooting crowd. he found himself on the outskirts of town. he left the lights behind, and started walking down the highway. a black packard pulled up beside him. a voice asked johnny if he wanted a ride. why not? he got in beside the driver, a burly fellow in a gray suit, with five o’clock shadow and a cigar stuck in his mouth. where you headed? the man asked. away. that’s where we’re headed, the man in the gray suit said. he laughed, and someone in the back seat laughed with him. looking for work? a voice behind johnny asked. sure. johnny turned around. he saw a little man with a scowling face, wearing an orange suit and a red and white polka dot bow tie. permit me to introduce myself, said the driver. my name is eliot ness. and the gentleman in the back seat is none other than mr j edgar hoover. we’re looking for a few good men. what can you do? j edgar hoover added johhny. i’m a sharpshooter. you don’t say so, said j edgat hoover. he didn’t smile when he said it. yes, sir, i do say so. i can shoot the smoke off a corncob pipe at a hundred paces. if i see two acorns falling off a tree, i can hit one and make it bounce off the other, like two pool balls. pretty impressive, said eliot ness. we will give you a chance to show what you can do, they drove a little further down the road and clouds drifted across the sky and the night got darker. the car stopped. eliot ness got out and signaled to johnny to get out and join him. they were parked beside a bumpy looking field. eliot ness opened the trunk of the packard and took out a paper sack. he opened it and showed it to johnny. it was filled with rocks. here’s what you do, kid. take these rocks and kill as many crows as you can with them. you got that? yes, sir. eliot ness got back in the car and he and j edgar hoover drove off. johnny thought he heard laughter. johnny looked up at the sky, he did not see any crows, or anything else except the dark clouds. the sky started to spin. faster and faster. johnny fell down in the mud. in the morning little bo peep brought her sheep to the field and found johnny, still lying face down. she turned him over to see if he was dead or alive.

over the cliff and far away

by emily de villaincourt

the old emperor was ready to expire, and the council of priests and sages met to select his successor from his twenty-two sons. the reverend mr denby, who had emerged from obscurity by obscure means and gained effective control of the council, proposed frederick, the emperor’s youngest and most feckless child. the vote went around the table. the other members of the council, expressing faith in mr derby’s judgment, some of them in the most effusive terms, unanimously approved his choice. except for the archbishop of atlantis, mr derwood, who proposed, without explanation or explication, that the emperor’s oldest son, marco, be proclaimed new emperor. as mr derwood was known to be deliberately perverse on almost all subjects large and small, and to routinely object to proposals purely because he did not believe in unanimous votes, he was not even questioned as to the reasons for his choice. and so frederick, or freddy as he was known to high and low alike, was approved as the new emperor. the only problem, and it was regarded as not much of one, was finding freddy, as he spent his existence wandering the dusty and muddy roads of the empire (and sometimes beyond), usually alone, but sometimes with a cat, which he would steal from the farms and homes he passed, as his companion. what the members of the council did not appreciate, presumably out of ignorance of the terms of the established tradition, or perhaps were indifferent to, because they took for granted that freddy could be quickly found, was that if the new proclaimed candidate was not crowned two weeks after the reigning emperor died, then the crown would pass to whomever had received the second most votes from the council. in this case, marco, who had received the one vote of mr derwood, the cantankerous and contrary archbishop of atlantis. mr derwood felt he was halfway to a significant coup. if only freddy could be prevented from being found in two weeks, then his man, marco, a simple fellow on whose gratitude he felt confident he could count on, would ascend the imperial throne and he, mr derwood, would effectively be master of the empire. mr derby, too late, grasped the situation, and resolved to find freddy as quickly as possible. without, however, making any great commotion about it, and alarming the other members of the council, and the general populace, who were, of course, quite ignorant of the old emperor’s grave condition. it should be mentioned that mr derby and mr derwood were identical twins, and had long been bitter rivals. their long time enmity was a deep fissure in the apparently placid surface of the empire, threatening to suddenly widen at any time, and plunge the empire into chaos. * mr derby knew there was only one man he could really count on to find freddie, and find him and bring him in quickly, without any fuss. and that was walter “rug” merchant, a private operative whose incomparable skill and discretion had been relied on for the most sensitive missions by generations of princes and bureaucrats. mr derby went to find rug merchant. he was told that rug merchant had retired, and was living on the side of a mountain in the steppes of central atlantis. mr derby was determined to persuade rug to take on one last job. he found rug sitting in a rocking chair in front of his little hut on the side of the mountain. rug told mr derby that the mountain was a holy mountain, and that he, rug, was well and truly retired. the desert stretched away in every direction. black birds flew overhead. there was a little table beside rug’s rocking chair, covered with minute hand-carved objects. rug had a pair of what looked like jewelers tweezers in his hand and he was, he explained to mr derby, assembling the pieces into a replica of one of the great cathedrals of the ancient world. this is what he wanted to do now, rug continued, spend his final days assembling little table-sized models of the great lost structures of vanished civilizations. he was done with the modern world, with doing the bidding of princes and ministers. mr derby took out his wallet and took a small photograph out of the wallet and pushed across the table to rug. one last job, he told rug. that is all i ask. one last job and the photograph is yours. * freddy and his companions walked down the road. they saw a couple of small houses in the distance, but had the road to themselves. freddy had two companions with him, a cat named maisie that he had “stolen” - with a wink from the farmer - from a farmyard in the kingdom of y—————, and a little dog named mike, who had begun following them down a road in the republic of z————. freddy was known by sight to most of the inhabitants of the empire. and could be sure of a friendly wave from most of them as he perambulated the earth. and friendly tankards of ale from innkeepers , and friendly slices of pie from farmers’ wives. what good times they had! especially since mike had joined them. this is as good as it gets, freddy announced, as mike barked happily, and maisie trotted along in front of them. suddenly clouds passed over the sun, and freddy saw a tall building on the horizon. as they approached the building, it took the form of an ancient cathedral, such as freddy had seen in books and paintings when he was a small child in the imperial palace, before he embarked on his travels. an old woman, leaning on a stick, stood in the road in front of the cathedral. freddy recognized his mother. in her youth she had been a peasant girl, one of the thousands that the old emperor had had his way with, and she was dressed as a peasant now, with a rag tied around her head. what is this, mother, freddy cried, and where are we? this is the edge of the world, the old woman replied. beyond the cathedral is a great cliff, and you must walk over it. buy why, freddy cried, why? because everybody hates you, my child, and they hate you because you are beautiful.

thomas and samantha

by horace p sternwall

thomas and samantha lived for many years in the house left to them by their parents, attended by a painfully small number of servants. they were both creatures of routine. every morning samantha would come down to breakfast before thomas, and when thomas finally arrived, she would say to him, “good morning, thomas. if you have nothing to say, please do not say anything.” and thomas would nod, pick up his coffee cup and his copy of the times, and say nothing. then one day, shortly after a war had ended, samantha made her usual statement, and thomas responded, “yes, i have something to say.” “oh? and what is it that you have to say, thomas?” “that you would look nicer if you smiled.” “really? well, thank you so much for that astute observation.” and they both resumed their breakfast. thomas never again broke his silence at the table. after a number of years samantha died of pneumonia during a bitter winter, and thomas followed her in the spring, of a heart attack which he had never attempted to forestall through healthy living. they were both buried in the garden they had loved so well, though thomas had perhaps loved it a bit more than samantha.

two humans

two humans, not previously acquainted with each other, were walking down a street from opposite directions, about to cross paths. one of them, charles darwin, was feeling pretty good about life. he had a new hat on, and a new pair of shoes, and he thought he was looking pretty good. when the other human, george meredith, saw charles darwin coming towards him he burst into laughter. “that is the most ridiculous hat i have ever seen!” george exclaimed. “and the shoes are even worse! ha ha ha !” charles was stunned by this unprovoked assault on his persona and his existence, but recovered enough to try to assert his dignity by replying. “is that all, sir? are you quite through?” to which the laughing george responded as he passed charles , “no, brother, it is not all. you’re fat! ha ha ha!” but george was not finished. when he was thirty feet past charles, he turned and cried, “and you’re ugly! and for god’s sake lose that beard!” charles walked on, stunned. he felt a ringing in his ears, and the world seemed to dissolve around him, but he managed to get back to his lonely room. charles never recovered. he had trouble getting out of bed in the morning, and after being late for work several times, was fired from his job as a security guard. he became a drunkard and a porn addict. the drunkenness caused him to have bladder problems, and he was several times arrested for public indecency for relieving himself in situations in which he was too drunk to realize he was not alone. eventually charles’s body was found washed up by the bay. it was not known whether he had jumped or fallen off the bridge, or if he had drunkenly decided to go for a midnight swim. after his encounter with charles, george continued on his way, and met his friends rene descartes and thomas hobbes at a trendy cafe. they had a great time, and george never gave charles another thought in his life. his friend thomas hobbes got george a job at a non-profit organization which specialized in providing musical and artistic training for third world and other disadvantaged children. george was a natural administrator, and he flourished in the job, eventually rising to the position of chief financial officer.

the pedestrian

a man was walking down a street. the street was lined with tall buildings on both sides. a few people, looking out of the windows of the buildings, saw the man. a few of them saw him stop and adjust the cuff of his pants leg. a little later a few people, different people, saw him stop and scratch his head. then he disappeared from sight. never to be seen again. many other people also also walked down the street that day. and were seen by other people from the windows of the tall buildings. twilight came, and then night. the sky was cloudy, but it did not rain.

the berserker

norris was just a guy he went to work every day just like billions of other people but he felt, deep inside, that he was different one day he was on the train with his phone and his backpack, with a few thousand other people, when he began talking to the people standing and sitting near him saying things like i am different i am the center of the universe you will all hear about me someday if i close my eyes i could make you all disappear i deserve better than this most people stared straight ahead and ignored him, but a few offered friendly or soothing words. like you’ll be all right, or just take your meds, dude after a while norris calmed down for a few days after that some people would recognize him and think, is that him? is that the guy who went completely berserk on the train the other day? but the incident was quickly forgotten except by norris himself, who thought about it every day for the rest of his life

the three clowns

a clown decided to try to make a few dollars selling neckties. he set up a little table outside a subway station and carefully arranged the ties on it by size, color, and pattern. a couple of sullen teenagers, a boy and a girl, came along. what are those, asked the boy. the clown explained what the neckties were. sounds pretty stupid, said the girl. the clown went down to the river and wept. a second clown decided to sell horse collars, and set up his little stand. a woman with a child came along. what are those, asked the woman. the second clown explained what the horse collars were. what’s a horse? asked the child. the second clown went down to the river and wept. a third clown set up a stand to sell watermelons. a small boy came along. he pointed to the watermelons. what are you supposed to do with those , the boy asked. eat them, replied the third clown. what? you can’t fit one of those in your mouth, said the boy. you have to cut them up, said the third clown. cut them up yourself? asked the boy. the third clown went down to the river and wept. someday you and i will go down to the river and weep.